I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on I go into the library and read a good book.

Please accept my resignation. I don't want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart.
Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you.

Millitary intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Any Man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.

A man is as young as the woman he feels.

She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes,' you know he is a crook.

[Feeling a patients pulse] Either he's dead, or my watch has stopped.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put 'Emily, I love you' on the back of the bill.