I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Before I met my husband I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

My mother buried three husbands . . . and two of them were only napping.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at forty-five. Do you get the feeling God is playing a practical joke?

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.''

Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

All men hate to hear "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even General Schwartzkopf.

Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor of a department store, two inches from the door.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget... he didn't lose your number... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.

Getting rid of a man without hurting his masculinity is a problem. "Get out" and "I never want to see you again" might sound like a challenge. If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you...I want to marry you... I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports. They've already forgotten what happened.